Red Letter Christians

When Grace Backfires

by Bart Campolo Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

In 1958 the Teddy Bears released the song “To know him is to love him,” which might as well have been called “To know, know, know, him is to love, love, love, him,” since that’s the way everybody remembers it. Either way, you get the idea: There’s this great guy out there, and the closer you get to him, the better you’re going to feel about him and, in all likelihood, the better he’s going to feel about spending time with you. After all, who doesn’t like being loved for who they really are?

Of course, there is no rule that says you can’t choose instead to get close to a lousy person, no matter how mean, lazy, stupid, violent, or unbelievably selfish he or she might be. On the contrary, there are plenty of rules saying we should do just that, in the name of Jesus. And there are plenty of stories and proverbs suggesting that when we do, wonderful things can happen. And so they do, especially early on in the relationship.

The problem is that to love, love, love a lousy person over a long period of time is … well, to find out just how lousy they are. It is to see for yourself, over and over again, why the rest of the world has left that person alone. In other words, in some cases, the closer you get to someone, the worse you are going to feel about them and, eventually, the worse they are going to feel about spending time with you. After all, who doesn’t hate being disdained for who they really are?

This isn’t an idle meditation on the Teddy Bears’ one and only hit. This is me trying to figure out why some folks who used to love being with me don’t want to be with me anymore, even though all I’ve done is care and help and give and forgive … and quietly lose respect for them even as they fall ever deeper into my debt. Okay, so maybe I’ve already figured out why.

I know I always say this thing is more about loving people than trying to fix them, but it turns out I have been secretly hoping that if our little core group set a tone of mutual love, we would unleash the “inner good neighbor” in everybody else, and a true fellowship of friends would emerge, wherein everybody genuinely cared about each other. It never occurred to me that if folks couldn’t — or just didn’t want to — start improving their lives or giving back to the group, the warmth they initially enjoyed might end up feeling like some kind of negative judgment. It never occurred to me that grace could backfire.

God, how do you keep loving people who can’t stand being known? If you pray, ask that for me.

—-
Bart Campolo is a veteran urban minister and activist who speaks and writes about grace, faith, loving relationships and social justice. Bart is the leader of The Walnut Hills Fellowship, a local ministry in inner city Cincinnati.

This blog post is shared via our partnership with Sojourners


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  • Brad

    Amen. I can relate. This is explained so well.

  • Jdomaille78

    Good post. Not that it’s completely related but we do get a sense from scripture that sometimes kindness to others will be like heaping hot coals on their heads. Your piece expresses it well…

  • Anonymous

    My father is one of those “unloveable” types and he’s found a special person in my mother because I know of no one who would have endured with him as long as she has. She’s a devout Christian, as am I, however we cannot force someone out of their misery, or in some cases, love them out of it. At some point, that person has to make a choice to want to be better and to open themselves up to the grace being extended to them. For some, I think the thought of changing is too scary. They know what it would require and it’s daunting. It’s easier to remain the way they are. What I pray for my father is that God would break through that stony heart in a way that only He can.

  • Bliamkratky

    C.S. Lewis’ “The Great Divorce” has an image of hell that deeply affected me. His opening scene of a cue of people waiting for a bus, the narrator being one individual near the end of the line, with little hope of getting on, haunts me to this day. Inevitably the line shortens as person after person argues with the one before and behind them because they can’t stand being in proximity to one another. As good fortune would have it all of these arguments end up putting the narrator near the front of the line as the bus arrives and he is able to get on. Lewis goes on to suggest that the city of hell spreads on and on into infinite smallness as people keep picking up and moving away and building another home so they don’t have to be next the the people they are forced to be next to. Everything in this image of hell is encompassed by fog and colorlessness. Finally, Lewis suggests that God doesn’t waist much space on hell as it is infinitely small. A sparrow could accidentally swallow it without noticing as the sparrow eats seeds it finds on the ground.

    To your post; I’m not sure I understand all of what you are saying. Certainly relationships with “high maintenance” people are difficult. As a Christ follower our challenge is to spread the good news as far as we can imagine and beyond, Lord willing. Some relationships can hold us back from that task. Some people are just flat out blockers. Dusting off the sandals comes to mind. It is so important for us to be in community. It is also most important that we exercise great and godly patience. However, it does seem to me that the Lord does not value community and patience to the point where those elements of life snuff out the “light” that He has given us. Sometimes moving on makes good spiritual sense. The fields are so vast. The potential harvest so great. Letting go, moving ahead, and saying “Go with God” can be not only necessary, but loving at the same time. Debts left behind are only to be debts of love and nothing else. You owe nothing but love and conversely they own nothing but love.

    My prayers are for healing, understanding, and joy for you and your community.

    I hope I didn’t misunderstand.

  • http://www.fiercelyalive.com/blog Peter

    Thumbs up for what Bruce said. This sort of person fits very well into the image that Lewis was creating in the Great Divorce.

    I’d also agree that “dusting off the sandals” sounds applicable with these sort of difficult people. As Christians, we need to be friends with, and loving on, the lonely and unloved people around us. But we can only go as far as they will let us.

    We offer grace and love, but our grace and love are not the real agents of change. Rather, they just create opportunities to people respond to God and be changed by the Spirit. Unfortunately we all know people who receive that grace and love, but still choose not to respond.

    When I read the Gospels, it stands out to me that Jesus only spent time on the people who were open to what He was offering. He shared the Good News with all, but didn’t let the “hard-hearted” ones become roadblocks. We never close the door completely on such people – there’s always the possibility of God reaching them later on, and we continue to show them love until then.

    But showing love isn’t the same as seeking them out to be their friend. If they’re not open to being known and changed, then we shift our focus to someone else who is.

    Of course, that’s all a lot of hypothetical talk… it can be a whole lot different with an actual person you’ve been investing in and who might have relationships and a place in your community.

    My prayers as you’re sorting that you. And if God gives you an answer to that question, please share it with us; it’s something we all need to learn.

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