The Gift of Tears

Posted May 24 2011 by Hugh Hollowell with 19 Comments

    Several years ago, I was speaking at an event. It was a large secular audience, so I gave my mostly secular talk (you can see a version of that here).

    In that talk, I mentioned I run a faith based organization. I also used the example of gay marriage as a way that relationships change how we feel about “the other”. That is really all I said about gay marriage, or homosexuality or really, anything about my own faith.

    When I got finished with my talk, I made a beeline for the bathroom (nerves, you know). I’m standing at the sink, washing my hands when a guy walks in. He stands just inside the door and looks at me for a few long seconds, making me a bit uncomfortable. Finally, he walks over to me.

    “Are you gay,” he asks.

    I tell him I’m not.

    “But gay homeless people – you help them, right?”

    I tell him I do.

    “And you’re a Christian, right?”

    “Right.”

    He looks me dead in the eye and says “I did not know you could be Christian and help gay people”.

    Over the next few minutes, standing in that bathroom, he tells me how his family has ostracized him because he came out to them. How they are very religious and because of them, he no longer wants anything to do with the church.

    “I hate the church. After everything they have done to me and my friends, I can’t stand their hypocrisy and their self-righteous attitude.”

    I told him I did not blame him a bit. He asked if he could hug me. I said yes.

    In that bathroom, with tears in both our eyes, he hugs me and says thank you for being willing to help everybody, including gay people. He turns and walks for the door.

    Hand on the door, he turns back and says “You know, it’s strange. I hate the church. You can’t pay me to go back there. But I really miss Jesus.”

    Then he turned, pushed through the door and was gone.

    * * *

    I think about that guy a lot. When I catch flack for helping and loving everyone without preconditions, I remember him and the gift of his tears drying on my shirt as I walked out of that bathroom. And I remember that while he hated the church, he missed Jesus.

    —-
    Hugh Hollowell is an activist, a speaker and a Mennonite minister. He is the founder and director of Love Wins Ministries where he pastors a congregation made up largely of people who are homeless.


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      About the Author

      Hugh HollowellHugh Hollowell http://hughlh.com/articles is an activist, a speaker and a Mennonite minister. He is the founder and director of Love Wins Ministries http://lovewins.info where he pastors a congregation made up largely of people who are homeless.View all posts by Hugh Hollowell →

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      • Sam

        Yet another “let’s bash the church” moment on Red Letter “Christians”.

        I know of MANY people and ministries that don’t treat gay people badly, and reach out to them as they would to anyone else. Even allowing the suggestion that the church as a whole is hateful to homosexuals is ludicrous. Of course there are some that have no concept of how Jesus treated people, but that’s not the way of most devoted disciples. We don’t have to jump on the “church sucks” bandwagon just because there is a large segment of people who don’t get it yet. 

        On the other side of the issue…  There are lots of gay folks who hate the church because it stands firm on scripture and believe that homosexuality is a sin just like adultery or fornication of any kind. Can you imagine being a parent who loves the Lord and has to use tough love on a child who refuses to repent of this sin (or another) or even acknowledge its existence?  The pain of that decision would be unimaginable. 

        The challenge for all of us is to reach out in love as Jesus did without partaking or condoning sin.  Jesus willingly lived amongst sinners and showed them the love of God but he also said, “Go, and sin no more.” He didn’t add, “but do what ever you think is right and I will just accept your standard of holiness as if it were God’s”. 

        Just because someone hates you standing on your convictions doesn’t mean you are in error any more than someone loving your stance makes you right.  As Christians we have to have enough love to reach out unselfishly as well as enough love to not allow people to spend an eternity in hell. (Oops, no hell,I forgot)  Why is it so hard for this “new” breed of Christians to love people unconditionally and still have the backbone to stand firmly on scripture?  It seems the trend toward making Christianity more “user friendly”  involves watering down God’s word little by little. Pretty soon the narrow way will be just as wide as the broad way. Remember where that leads?

        Just for the critics…  I love gay people just as much as any other people on the planet. I will not give up on them as human beings or devalue them as people created in the image of God. I will not, however, teach my children that their lifestyle is acceptable to Almighty God or is a valid alternative to Biblical marriage. Why does the pendulum have to keep swinging from one extreme to the other? 

        • Jeff Francoeur928

          Sam, I think you’re an idiot. What is your definition of ‘love’? What exactly is a ‘gay’ lifestyle? I live my life EXACTLY as I did while I was married, just now its with another man. If the only difference is the sex I think that you’re naive to think the people who sit next to you in church aren’t doing something worse. I think acceptance is the most valuable attribute to teach a child. I don’t think you can say you love gay people yet not accept them. Its confusing and cowardly.

          • Sam

             If God himself hadn’t made the rules you would be right…  And I’m sure you know what he has said. 

            I’m sure there are people next to me that are doing horrible things. You probably are too. God knows I’ve done plenty of horrible things.  I’m only responding to an issue that was brought up in a blog. For the Christian, God’s instructions are the ones we follow even if they seem narrow and restrictive. To treat gay people badly is a sin, so is homosexuality. When I myself realize that I am in sin, God’s not going to change… I have to. When I see a brother caught in a sin it is my duty to help him repent and turn around.  If he doesn’t want to that’s between him and God.

            What is love.  It’s not enabling someone to continue in sin by assuring them that everything is ok and there’s no need to change. Love is, to answer your question, seeking the very best outcomes for another. My brother is an alcoholic, but I’m not loving him by buying him drinks or telling him that God really doesn’t care if he gets drunk or not. I love him by helping him see God’s directives and walk it through with him as long as is necessary to get him delivered.

            Jesus loved people by telling them to repent and turn toward God.  Obviously that offends you. Also obvious is that you feel guilty about what you’re doing or you wouldn’t resort to name calling. That kind of vitriol says a lot about your position.

            Do whatever you want Jeff.  Just don’t think you can change the written will of God because it doesn’t agree with your flesh. No one is forcing you to follow Jesus. I accept you as a human being and I really am not offended by what you do. It won’t affect me one way or another except that I will be saddened that you have rejected God’s plan for your life.  It’s just this God thing. He told us to go into all the world and make disciples. He didn’t say go into all the world and accept everybody and everything. 

            It’s never to late to walk in all of God’s dreams for you as long as you have breath. 
             

            • nqcastle

              “If God himself hadn’t made the rules you would be right…”

              And what makes you think that your understanding is necessarily the accurate interpretation of what God meant?!

              • nqcastle

                * shakes his head

                I feel the same way as the man in the story, Sam, because of people like you who think your interpretation of scripture is the only one that could possibly be correct. How incredibly arrogant!

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1388514701 Greg Dill

            And, as Jeff demonstrates, everyone is either an idiot, a bigot, or a homophobe who hasn’t jumped onto the “I’m out and gay. Accept my lifestyle” bandwagon. I stand to the side as the bandwagon rolls by and watch the destruction to where it leads. Don’t say we didn’t tell you so.

      • Noel

        I had a similar conversation with a classmate in college.  He knew I was a youth minister at a local church and stopped me after class one day.  He asked me why I didn’t hate him, my only answer at the time was, “your a cool fun guy.  Why would you ask that?”  He told me that he thought it was my job as a Christian to hate him.

        Like it or not that is a common belief, not just in the gay community, but in many non-Christian communities.   I don’t think the author is calling down the church for it’s misbehavior as much as pointing out that there is a perception by many that they are hated by the church.  While I am not so naive to think there is a simple answer to all the complexities of relationships & faith I am reminded of the chorus that we sang in church, “they’ll know we are Christians by our love . . .”

        Mr Hollowell:  I pray you receive much support and honor for the life you lead and I just want to say, “Thank you” – you’re story was needed today.

      • Bob and Lloyd Peacock

        Hugh Hollowell, a true man of God, who shows how God’s love is to be administered.
        Thank you Pastor Hollowell.
        Bob and Lloyd Peacock
        Vancouver, B.C.
        Canada.

      • James

        Thanks for this, Hugh.  I am a long way from church at the moment as I don’t feel that who I am is compatible with belonging there.  I am a musician and there was one church that stopped me from playing for worship when they found out that I was gay.  Another church delivered a sermon about how disgusting it was that Casualty on the BBC showed a scene with two men kissing before the watershed.  A Christian organisation needed to have a meeting to decide whether my sexuality would preclude me from working with young people on an activities holiday.

        Sam, I’m afraid your comments completely illustrate why I cannot return to church.  I don’t want to be accepted, I want to be loved without feeling that my sexuality will always create a barrier.  I cannot change my sexuality any more than you can change yours, but I sincerely hope that your children are not gay, because I can tell you that the damage that is done by asking children to pretend that they are something that they are not is irreversible.  You say that you love gay people as much as any other, but I’m afraid that doesn’t come across in the way that you have posted.  “I love you, but…” can never be unconditional.

        Sorry if this is flippant, but I had a very funny picture of all of God’s angels driving their building lorries full of cement and bricks around the gates to heaven.  “What are you doing?” asked God.  “We are making sure that the narrow way becomes narrower so that fewer people can get to heaven.” answered the angels. 

        For some reason I would want Jesus and his angels to be driving a big demolition truck just so that as many people as possible could get to heaven.  That’s always been my view of what Jesus is like, finding loopholes and secret passages and hiding people under his cloak to get them in.  I don’t suppose that the adulterous woman needed to be told not to sin again after she met someone that accepted her for everything that she was.

        Ah, you can all do what you like with this comment.  Sorry if this is rambling or if it causes any offence.  My friend sent me the link so I just thought I’d contribute.  Haha, how I’ve missed “just” doing things, such a church expression!

        • Sam

          Sorry you feel that way James.  If you knew me you would know that I meant what I said about loving all, you included.  Love is unconditional, but it is not without characteristics and boundaries that are defined by God and his word. I can not call myself a Christian and then live any way I want without consequence, and neither can you.  God’s the boss, not us. Criticism of that precept should be directed at God, not his followers. His commands are there to bless us not to harm us. Sin was a “barrier” between man and God from the very beginning. That’s why Jesus had to die. If I were God I would not choose for pre-marital sex to be considered sin. That one is difficult for me being single. I count on his grace to give me the will, as well as the ability to stay celibate. I would never presume to tell him that my will was better or that he shouldn’t have made me with a sex drive. I wouldn’t expect his followers to join if full fellowship with me either if I disregarded God’s commands on an ongoing basis.

          I wish it didn’t matter James. This must be really hard for you.  Everyone has things to deal with that seem beyond comprehension, beyond control and beyond possibility.  
          They only seem that way. God has a good outcome for you as you seek him. Nothing is too hard for him. I will be praying for you that God himself will comfort your heart in this matter and lead you to himself. Don’t give up on God, even if some of us followers are foolish and hurtful.  He is faithful. 

          • James

            Thanks for taking the time to reply, Sam.  I appreciate it.

            I still want you to notice the problem here.  You have again stated “love is unconditional, but…”  As soon as you put the “but” in there, you make your love conditional on what you want me to change.

            For the record, I don’t call myself a Christian in public, mainly because I don’t want to align myself with those people who march up and down telling other people what they should do whilst ignoring the fundamental teaching to “love your neighbour”. 

            I am particularly interested in your sentence “I wouldn’t expect his followers to join if full fellowship with me either if I disregarded God’s commands on an ongoing basis”.  Not really words that I can imagine Jesus saying.  You must have a very small fellowship once you have got rid of all those who lie, covet, lust and gossip.

            If Jesus came into the world to save us from sin, then why are Christians still so hung up on it?  Why are you more interested in my sexuality than in all the other good stuff in my life?  I am foolish and thoughtless and self-centred and pompous but I am also kind and forgiving and faithful and trustworthy.  Hello, I’m a human!

            Please don’t assume that I am unhappy with my sexuality, I am not.  It is part of who I am and I am proud of that.  If I believe in God, then I would say that God has created me this way because if I was not gay then I would not be me.  I am going to use a yukky bible metaphor now, I can’t believe this…

            I would much rather be a leaky jar of broken clay that lets the living water spill on to other people than a lovely posh finished jar that keeps all the living water to itself.

            Yuck.  You can take or ignore that as you like.

            I haven’t given up on the messy, creative, brightly coloured God who made me in his image just yet.

          • Jules

            Sam, thank you for your thoughtful discussion and I agree with you whole heartedly – you write well and speak the truth.  I hope you are still checking for replies here as I wanted to pass along a book my employer just published titled “Sober Consent of the Heart” – it’s a collection of the sermons preached by Joseph McKeen, the first president of Bowdoin College.   From reading your posts here, I think you would find them amazing, challenging, thoughtful, inspiring etc. (you get the picture). Here’s a link: http://www.sobercosentoftheheart.com -

      • Drew

        Sam,

        I question why you would go on a website just to trash the website.  If you are actually concerned about what Red Letter Christians believe as Christians, there are better ways to being a discussion.

        That being said, Hugh does not imply we should change Scripture.  What he does imply is that we should act more Christ-like in order to draw people to the Church.  Amen, and how can you disagree with that?

        For the record, just because you know of MANY people and ministries that treat gays well does not meant that there are not MANY people and ministries that treat gays poorly.

        • Sam

          Probably an over-reaction on my part, Drew.  I’m sure Mr. Hollowell is a fine man with the best of intentions.  You’re right, I have no problems with being more Christ-like.  I came to this website initially thinking that I would find help to be more Christ-like myself.  I have been discouraged to find on many occasions, a tendency to pick apart the Body of Christ and espouse a theology that is more humanist than Christian.  I think you have made a valid point about whether or not this site is for me.  I think not.

          My only problem with Mr. Hollowell’s story was not what was said but what wasn’t.
          Obviously the time was not right to tell that young man to repent and start hitting him with the word of God.  What is Hugh’s stance on homosexuality though? Does what God says matter to him or just acceptance no matter what?  I just got called an idiot on here by Drew because I simply agree with God that homosexuality is sin!  If this group also falls in that category then I really do have no business involving myself. God exalted his word even above his name. His word seems to take a backseat to every other consideration on here.  

          I know there are people out there hating on gay people, Drew, and I can’t stand it.
          I just want to know if there is anyone out there with the courage to love people and at the same call a sin a sin. A humanist can “love” people through acceptance.  A believer in Christ can “love” people by accepting them and then leading them to repentance. The former helps him temporarily, the latter helps him for all eternity.
          If you really do want to follow the red letters then you will have to care what God has said as much as Jesus did. That’s so much bigger than acceptance.

          That’s it for me.  I won’t be back.  

          • Drew

            Sam,
             
            For what it’s worth, Tony Campolo does believe homosexuality is a sin.  He makes a distinction between orientation (not a sin) and practice (a sin), but still says it is a sin nonetheless.

            As far as picking apart the Body of Christ, it depends where you stand. Every single Church denomination is in existence solely because they ”picked apart the Church” to the point where they physically removed themselves from the Church.  All Martin Luther did was pick apart the Church constantly.

            I suppose a lot of outsiders see this as a humanist movement, and I suppose some who call themselves Red Letter Christians see this as a humanist movement.  Those people are picking and choosing what they listen to. 

      • Pmpope68

        And no doubt, some of your tears mingled with his.  

      • http://profiles.google.com/michelledawn1979 Michelle Dawn

        A beautiful post that highlights exactly why we need to keep reaching out.

      • Lauren Edwards

        I somehow missed this story.  I just wanted to add my thanks for this story – so touching.  It reminds me of the documentary Lord, Save Me From Your Followers (I think that’s the name).  The filmmaker (an evangelical Christian) sets up a confession booth at a gay pride event but the twist is that he is the confessor.  He confesses to those that come in his sins of telling gay jokes and not caring about the AIDS epidemic enough. Absolutely beautifiul.

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